A ROOM FULL OF HEROES

Kitch Loftus-Mussari & Tony Mussari

The room was packed. The lights were low. Two video cameras were recording every moment. Dozens of digital cameras were snapping pictures. A large screen heralded the images of grandparents with their grand children. The mood was quiet and the 300 people in attendance were focused.

At the podium a woman of dignity and presence told a story about heaven and hell. Both places were filled with people. Both places were filled with bounty. Both places had abundant food. The people in hell looked like the walking dead. In heaven the opposite was true. The difference was obvious. The people in heaven helped one another lift the three-foot long knives and forks so they could feed themselves. In hell no one was willing to help.

On this day, Ivonne Gutierrez Bucher’s portrait of heaven and hell set the tone for the 17 presentations that followed her remarks at “Raising Grandchildren: Navigating the Services & Resources,” a conference for grandparents, relative caregivers and service providers.

One-third of those in the room were grandparents who are raising their grandchildren. These were people of great dignity that grew out of adversity. These were people who did not know the term self-pity. These were people who wanted the best for the children in their care. These were people who were hurting because they found themselves in a situation they did not ask for, but they could not refuse. These were people who wanted to share their experiences. They wanted to connect with people of like circumstances and others who would help them.

They suffered the isolation that comes when you are in a situation that no one understands. They were alone, unconnected, and struggling every day to make ends meet. That’s why the Grandparents Conference was so important to those who attended on Friday at the Best Western Genetti Hotel and Conference Center in Wilkes-Barre.

As Eileen Brown from Philadelphia said, “it wasn’t part of my plan.” Brown is 72 years old, a heart attack survivor, and is responsible for the daily needs of six grandchildren and one great grandchild.

When you are in the presence of Eileen Brown, you are humbled by the depth of her sacrifice and the genuineness of her love. When she speaks you hear the story of a real hero. Her words are not about herself. They are pleas for her children.

Mrs. Brown drove from Philadelphia to listen to the experts and attend the workshops on every topic that could possibly affect the caregivers and the people in local and state agencies who try to help them.

She was genuinely impressed by what she experienced.

The biggest burden to most of these men and women with grandchildren is financial, but there are many others. As Tina Light, a 64-year old grandmother from Delaware told the group, “when you admit that you are raising your grandchildren, you admit there is a dysfunction in your family.”

She is providing for her 11-and 6-year old grandchildren and said there is much to deal with, pain, anxiety, fear, anger and resentment, the baggage the children bring and the guilt and blame from their children who can’t be good parents.

Light and three of her friends were invited to share their knowledge with the Pennsylvania grandparents to show them how to plug in to the right places and to organize and support each other. She noted that when she was faced with her new role, she didn’t know where to go for help or what to do. Because of her advocacy, Delaware now has a state of the art way to guide grandparents who are looking for answers.

The statistics that spawned these grassroots efforts are staggering. The number of children in Pennsylvania being raised by grandparents is 165,000. In Luzerne County 49 percent of the grandparents provide for their children’s children and in Lackawanna County, it’s 44 percent. Nationally it’s six million children, and contrary to popular belief, nearly half live in the suburbs, not the inner cities.

Ivonne Gutierrez Bucher is Chief of Staff in the Pennsylvania Department of Aging. A grandparent herself, she pointed out that the world has changed since the Baby Boomers raised their children and now they are stepping into the shoes of their children. How to cope and manage and thrive in their new world is the goal of the panels held at the event, she said, and she confided that her 80-year old mother is doing the same thing at her home in Puerto Rico.

She commended the Northeast Pennsylvania Intergenerational Coalition for holding the event and stated that: “grandparenting is the new parenting.” She blamed the growth of the problem on substance abuse, incarceration, HIV-AIDS, mental health problems, poverty and death and acknowledged that the grandparents are often not financially, emotionally and physically ready for the challenges of parenting their grandchildren.

The grassroots organizations, she said, are putting the spotlight on the problem and encouraged them to build a better life for all of our children.

The backbone of the local group were there to learn as well as share their work in getting the help they need like medical coverage for the children, money for food and clothing and legal assistance, and respite care.

Georgia Salazar lives in South Wilkes-Barre. She is a woman whose face radiates goodness, kindness and friendliness. She is caring for five grandchildren under the age of 11. At the same time she has battled medical conditions that that would cause the brave to weep. If ever there was a hero, it is Georgia Salazar.

Salazar’s message is one of hope. She believes the conference will result in many constructive developments for her grandchildren and others across the state.

Eleanor Glover is a big woman with an even bigger heart. She is responsible for two little girls and is trying to gain custody of another grandchild. Like Brown and Salazar she lives a life that is fraught with anxiety about money, care and exhaustion as she struggles to make a life for her grandchildren.

As Glover put it, “Some days I don’t want to get up in the morning and I can’t wait until 8:30, that’s their bedtime.”

The person who made the conference happen is state Senator Raphael Musto. Affectionately known to the children as “Grandpa,” Musto has two bills making their way through the state legislature. When passed they will ease the burden on the grandparents in Pennsylvania, many who are living in poverty.

Musto brought several of his colleagues from Harrisburg to sit on a bipartisan panel and hear firsthand the day-to-day battles the grandparents face.

Among the participants were: Senator Lisa Baker, Rep. Phyllis Mundy, Rep. Mike Carroll and Rep. Ed Pashinski. They all agreed that Musto’s legislation should be passed.

It was gratifying to hear the grandparents tell their stories to the panel and if the legislators couldn’t provide an immediate response, Secretary of Aging, Estelle B. Richman, who was in the room and listening intently often jumped up from her seat, called the person over for information and was able to plug them in to the agency that could give them the help they needed.

That was the hallmark of the day-long event. Everyone was there to make it better for those entrusted with providing care to the next generation. Rivalries among agencies disappeared, empathy for the caregivers was obvious and one could almost feel a sigh of relief from the grandparents.

On this special day, someone was listening …someone was helping them find their voice.

Ruth Kemmerer and the organizers were jubilant that this effort had success written all over it and their work was off to a good start and one that would be beneficial to all of us.

Gutierrez Bucher said it all in 20 words: “ The character of a nation, state, county, or city can be judged by the quality of life of our children.”

The heroes who attended this conference left with a determination to make life much better for grandparents and the children in their care.

At the end of the day, when Ruth Kemmerer, Howard Grossman and Joe Clapps made their way out the door to the parking lot they must have been thinking how wonderful it was to have put the human quality back into human services.

In the end, that’s precisely what this conference accomplished.

(For additional information please go to www.raisingourgrandchildren.org)

kitch152@aol.com, tmussari@aol.com